Insecure

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Assalamualaikum...

Hello, it's scorching hot here in Jakarta and i'm sitting comfy infront of two fans. Haha ... i don't know what's gonna happen with me without these two. I maybe sunk in the sweat i made. Eewh ... 

You know the phrase 'people changes' right, yeah i knew it too. But i really acknowledged it just now. Because i can never think of me change before. I thought i won't ever change and i always be me. Indeed my face feature is the same since i was highschool, i'm still the chubby cheek girl with wide eyes but, i think something is changing inside me.

I was always think of me as a cheerful girl, impulsive, enthusiatic and brave girl. But not anymore. Now as i'm getting aging day by day, i feel more insecure each day. I can't be impulsive and indifferent like i always was. I always worry about what people will think of me. Are they gonna love me? Do they expect me to do this? And stuff. You know what, i never think of me as pretty girl, but i too never feel sooo insecure like this before. I never so worry about my appearance back then, how my face look like or my outfit would fit me well or not. I just go to people talking and laughing, careless about physical appearance. Fashion is not my thing. But now, whenever i look into the mirror, i feel something wrong with my face. I feel so chubby and not pretty. So oldskool and not cool. 

 And somehow i feel so mellow that i wanna hug my self the whole day. I can't approach the future as brave as before, i always worry about tomorrow, what if i get weaker, and dumber and older. I'm coward as the time flies. I'm not the same Tika as before. Which is worse.

And what is make it more worse is, i keep trying to be somebody else. Being pretty, slim and tidy. Talking calmly, look wise and carefully stepping onto something. I've been that type of person lately, and i realize that is not Tika. THAT'S NOT ME AT ALL.

And i feel guilty because i feel like a fake bit*h. 

People keep compliments me and praising about something i am not. These things make me affraid that they might find out who i am really, they will fall in dissappointment and run away from me. I'm affraid they will no longer trust my words, even if i said it sincerely. Because i'm not that wonderful in person. I'm not that shiny, shimmery, person that glow in the dark and cruel world. Sometimes i participate in the cruelty too. Sigh ...

Is this normal, or i'm getting old and feel so coward to approach this huge universe?